Officially falling apart

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~Neil Gaiman~

I see all these broken hearts around me and something cries inside, telling me to fix everything. I feel an aching in my chest every time my friends are hurt. It's like a tiny schism in my heart, slowly growing with every new pain the people I love have to experience. It's like I've deluded myself into thinking I have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. Somehow I feel I have to fix everything and everyone, mostly because I don't know how to fix myself. All love ever seems to do is hurt people and yet I'm still a hopeless romantic. 

I want to be loved but only by the people I know can't or won't love me back so the schism grows even greater every day threatening to rip me apart. Why do I love him? For so many reasons. Why can't I hate him? For a thousand more reasons. Would life be easier cutting him out entirely? I doubt it. I would mourn the love I never had, because that's just how I am. I don't want to let go and yet I know I have to. I have to allow myself to move on. It feels like an eternity since you left and yet I feel more for you every day.

Why must I love you?

I want you to know... I miss you so.

Listening To:

Foo Fighters - Best of You

Woot for geekdom

I've been lacking in stuff to update about to as usual this will be quick. I got to hang out with Richard one last time before he goes back off to school so w00t and also made random crazy "drawings" out of Popsicle sticks today. Mine was a tank shooting a missile at a building... yeah... weird. He did a dinosaur and various other things. I think that Bread Co now things that we're insane cause we left mine on the table for them to admire when we left XD

Sharron slept through the night after three or four (can't remember due to the sleep deprivation it resulted in) of waking up at 2 and refusing to sleep until at least 4. Thank goodness. I had a happy (better described as manic) day today.

Not much else. I'm just laying around watching Season 4 of The Guild before winding down for bed and figured I was over due for an update...

yep... that about sums up my night :)

Officially Confused

I mean to keep this up to date but I'm far too easily distracted. Pretty much though, what's been going on lately if feeling a bit out of control. The divorce hasn't been pretty. It just doesn't feel like the husband is willing to talk about it. Apparently that level of cooperation is just too much.
To top it off I have several of my friends trying to set me up with their friends and to be perfectly honest I don't want to date anyone. I'm bad at saying no to people though...
Hopefully eventually I'll be up to dating again but for now I just want to be alone :( I don't understand why everyone wants to find me a new relationship. I've met a lot of nice people but it's getting old...

Officially feeling snazzy

These days I've been feeling really lonely, but despite that I've been in a mostly good mood. It's pretty nice. Well... other than snowmagedon lol. I've been sitting around with Sharron being a loser most of the day. We watched Mamma Mia together (I love Colin Firth). Granted we'd just had a Darcy day so Sharron is really going to grow to love him. She's also gonna be uber classy cause she'll love Jane Austin!

I kinda hate snow days to be honest. I love my class and I didn't get to go today. I always love hearing how my classmates are doing and getting to see Sara. Sharron, luckily, seems to be getting over her cold though so hopefully I'll manage a full nights sleep :)

I really don't have much to update to be honest. There isn't much going on cause Sharron's been sick. I went to workout last thursday though and it was awesome! Kate is the best personal trainer ever! I was sore for two days straight. I went out for karaoke on saturday and was still really sore. Still, I enjoyed it so much that I'm gonna keep it up. I'm gonna try to make it every thursday. Dad was in an accident though and the car got totaled so hopefully I'll still be able to make it. That's about it really though. I think I'm fully updated now :)

Luckily Sharron really enjoyed the ice storm. She wanted to spend the whole day in the window lol.

Listening To:

Skinny Puppy - Last Rights

Officially fed up

gah! People can be so annoying! I really fail to see how it's someones business if their ex goes out on a night that they have no other responsibilities. So long as you get your ass out of bed the next day if your child is coming over then it really isn't any of their damn business.
If Spenser went out on a Friday night I wouldn't care so long as he didn't get his ass in trouble and he was able to watch Sharron Saturday like he's supposed to. Some girls are just crazy...

Okay. Now my little rant is over, no I'm not going to explain it. I have class in two hours, and I'm rather bored... I'm making something though. It took almost an hour to get the 11 seconds of video just right though so I may get totally fed up at this rate lol. Once again, not explaining. If it ever gets finished I'll post it maybe lol.

Not much going on these days. I just set it up to where you have to actually have my permission to read this though (someone annoyed me). I don't really know what all to say today so I'll just post the picture of my new hair and snazzy makeup :)

That's the new profile picture on the facebook :P

I couldn't get a very good close up of the eyes... I may try later. Not likely though lol

Listening To:

Chevelle - Point #1

Officially back at school

I started school up last night again! I was very very happy to be back. What can I say, I love my psych rehab class. Unfortunately I came home to a rather sick baby :( Sharron finally has the same cold that I had and is not a  happy bunny. She actually slept with me last night (which she never gets to do lol) because she couldn't sleep unless she was propped up on my arm. Made for a very uncomfortable night for me lol.

I also didn't update about Sharron's trip. Apparently she's gotten really good at climbing stairs lol. She got away twice and even with all those people looking for her she managed to get all the way up the stairs before they could hunt her down! Also her head butting has gone a bit far. Jaycob wouldn't share his toys I guess and Sharron decided to head butt him. She got him straight in the stomach and knocked him over! So basically my little girl is a bully now :P

That's all I've really got time for right now because it's getting to be Sharron's nap time but I'll at least post my picture for this entry.

Sharron and Jaycob playing "nicely" together. lol.

Officially inspired

I finally know why I've been so depressed lately. I feel like I should be doing more with my life. An easy enough problem to solve (kind of). I've always wanted to start a nonprofit organization. Unfortunately I need three people before I can actually start it... So I make one, I just gotta convince two other people to join my cause. You know what. I'll just post what I gotta do. vv Down there vv

The first step to creating an Illinois nonprofit is planning.

1. You will need to find other people to work with you and serve on the board of directors.  Illinois law requires at least 3 board members before you incorporate.
    
2. Put in writing what your organization will do, where it will operate, its main purpose, the programs it will operate to accomplish its purpose, its goals, and its anticipated funding sources.
    
3. Then choose a name for the organization. Keep in mind that if the name sounds like a for profit business name, the Secretary of State may require you add NFP (Not for Profit) to your name. Words that make a name sound like a nonprofit include "organization," "project," "program," "coalition," "alliance," and "group". Once you choose a name, you can check the Illinois Secretary of State website to see if the name is available. If it is available, and you aren't ready to incorporate, you can reserve the name for 90 days, for a fee of at least $25.00 using the Application for Reservation of Name form. Click the title below to complete and print the form for submission to the Secretary of State's office. If the organization is ready to incorporate there is no reason to reserve the name, just prepare and file the Articles of Incorporation.

So yeah. That's what I gotta do... Who wants to help? I want to start a foundation to help people suffering from depression to find a purpose, and a reason to live. Life's pretty awful at times but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You may not be able to see it, but it's always there.

Officially.... something...

I didn't update last night cause I was tired so I'm going to now. I had a day jam packed full of shay like funness. I cleaned the kitchen really good and then baked cookies (none of which I really plan to eat). I played Assassin's Creed Brotherhood. It makes my joygasm :). I played Disney Trivia, watched Doctor Who (my favorite episode). Then I went to sleep. All in all it was a rather good day.

I believe I've convinced Devon to watch Doctor Who finally :) WIN! I have no plans again today so we'll see what I end up doing. Prolly play Assassin's Creed again or Little Big Planet... But yeah. That's about it unless someone wants to come have cookies! I'll gladly throw another tea party and play Pretty Pretty Princess again.

Best episode ever. A little sad (yes I cried the first time I watched it) but so good!

Listening To:

Modern Rock v. 2

Officially exercised...

Alright.... I'm crazy out of breath. I actually exercised! I feel a lot better after it to so I'm definitely gonna try to keep it up. Maybe half and hour or an hour a day and I'll stop being so damn mopey.

I also had a tea party and played Pretty Pretty Princess! It was wonderful! So much tea! So much fake jewelry! Devon looked very pretty with all of his plastic jewels lol.

Honestly not much to say this time around but I do at least have to say I'm feeling a bit less depressed. Yay for dancing around like a fool lol.

BTW Devon in his crown vvvv

Well. Nightnight world. I'm going to go day dream about Neil Patrick Harris!

Officially relaxed

I went to the doctor today finally and got my medication adjusted. She upped the antidepressant and added an anti-anxiety for before bed to take the edge off so I'm not terrified of sleeping. Flashback dreams are a bitch. I'm going on vacation tomorrow so it's perfect timing to finally get some sleep! I'm getting up crazy early probably so I can drive Sharron, mum and myself to Kentucky!

Sounds like our friends been a little blue (who isn't during the holidays?) so we're going down there cause we all need a break from the norm. We seem to have just gotten in a rut and can't get out. Luckily when my insurance gets switched next month I'll be able to get to a shrink and all that jazz. I'm feeling a little more hopeful today, let us hope the feeling lasts at least a little while.

Well, I don't have too much to say today (other than I'm staying Libra cause this is bullshit) so I'm going to just post my newest Sharron picture.

This is Sharron all dressed up in her Christmas outfit finally. Now we can take down the tree when we get back.

Listening To:
Hoax Funeral - Dismantle the Moon

Officially blogging (maybe)

I always say I'll keep a blog but I never keep up with it. I don't know why anyone would read one by myself is part of it (and people never do anyway because I never tell anyone). Here I go though, attempting to put some of my thoughts into writing.

Alright. It's a new year. It's time for a new life. I'm starting the year with a divorce, and what is beginning to feel like a psychotic break. I've always had anxiety but this isn't like that. I've been a little stressed though. I'm getting a divorce, I haven't slept through the night in months because I'm plagued my nightmares, I have a teething toddler, it was very recently the anniversary of my grandmother's death... I'm getting through though. For the time being that will have to do. I'm hoping to get better than just getting by, eventually.

I start my class next week. I'm 1/5th of the way through my certificate and have finally figured out the degree I want. I'm going to go for Human Services with a focus in Psychiatric Rehabilitation. I'm starting to question the deeper focus of rehabilitating people suffering from eating disorders. When I'm too stressed I stop eating. I really should avoid triggers and I think that situation would be too difficult for me. I'm still trying to decide where to do my practicum. I basically have to intern somewhere in the metal healthcare field.

I'm not positive what the purpose of this blog is entirely yet but I figure I can treat it like a public version of "dear diary". At least if it's public I can have input if anyone ever reads it... right? Well for the time being I leave you with this picture. I went crazy on my hair and this is the result

I mostly hate my hair but apparently it's "cute". Maybe I should just take his word for it...

Listening to : 

Andrew Bird - The Mysterious Production Of Eggs