Officially falling apart

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~Neil Gaiman~

I see all these broken hearts around me and something cries inside, telling me to fix everything. I feel an aching in my chest every time my friends are hurt. It's like a tiny schism in my heart, slowly growing with every new pain the people I love have to experience. It's like I've deluded myself into thinking I have to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. Somehow I feel I have to fix everything and everyone, mostly because I don't know how to fix myself. All love ever seems to do is hurt people and yet I'm still a hopeless romantic. 

I want to be loved but only by the people I know can't or won't love me back so the schism grows even greater every day threatening to rip me apart. Why do I love him? For so many reasons. Why can't I hate him? For a thousand more reasons. Would life be easier cutting him out entirely? I doubt it. I would mourn the love I never had, because that's just how I am. I don't want to let go and yet I know I have to. I have to allow myself to move on. It feels like an eternity since you left and yet I feel more for you every day.

Why must I love you?

I want you to know... I miss you so.

Listening To:

Foo Fighters - Best of You

Karaoke with my fellow nerds

This is truly a sign that this night would end well.

Things started out a little weird I must say.

It's been a while

It's been a weird few weeks. Saturday(the 10th) I went to a party at an old friends house. I discovered whisky and gin don't go well with all the meds I'm on :P. Then after recovering from the worst hang over of my life I spent tuesday-thursday sick as a dog and about halfway through friday I just felt completely better! So I went out to celebrate Lindsay's 21st birthday party with the girls. I couldn't drink much so I had a sip of wine and a few sips of champagne. Yesterday I had something kinda weird happen but I'm not disclosing information. Today I've been totally flustered and forgetful. Hopefully I'm back to myself soon.
Not much to report other than that so have a watch at this

Play Date

We started out playing in trees (there was also badminton but I has no pictures)

An Ode To Better Simpler Times

to the shattered windows of an abandoned house
  to a lost childhood
    to friends forgotten
      to innocence stolen
        to this heart that won't stop beating...

Oh iTunes

Why are you such a little piece of crap? I shouldn't have to try to close you FIFTEEN TIMES!!!!!!!! just to give up and let you stay open... Every time I close iTunes it opens itself back up now. It is constantly running against my will. This computer is trying to get itself chucked out a window.

Herald Moth

I'm not massively fond of the fourth album but this song has just enough of the old that I really like it. It's still not much like the first, but it's similar to the third I suppose.... Yeah. Just listen lol.